So we went to see Assassin's Creed...

[telophase]

I was there for kicking ass and looking good but unfortunately there was way too much ass.

Seriously, who takes a look at the Assassin's Creed video game and decides to structure a movie around THE MOST BORING PART OF THE GAME? And if I said "Assassin's Creed movie" to you, wouldn't you expect it to open with a giant set piece involving tons of action? Instead, it's like 20 minutes of poorly-lit random crap happening that's never explained very well before you even get to any Assassin/Templar fight scenes.

I highly recommend watching Velayudham, the Bollywood Tamil ripoff of Assassin's Creed. It's 2.5 hours of violence alternating with slapstick comedy and WTFery in that way that only the Indian film industries can do.

Not to mention that it far outshines the Hollywood version in one VERY IMPORTANT ASPECT:

DOUBLE AIR ASSASSINATIONS
Velayudham	Assassin's Creed (2016)
1	0

Comments

[karanguni]

HAHAHA THIS BASICALLY REPLICATES MY RANT after a friend dragged me to go see it. God above SO SHITTY.

[telophase]

I didn't think it could be THAT BAD! I wasn't expecting genius, but I was hoping for entertaining fight scenes and beautiful scenery, not ... whatever that was.

DVDs in the sale bin.

[jenna_thorn]

Well, drat, that's disappointing, as the kid and i were looking forward to seeing it.

So we'll wait and see it when it's cheap. Thanks for the heads up.

Re: DVDs in the sale bin.

[telophase]

It's also art-directed to be a dark and moody film, which when you combine it with seeing it in 2D in a theatre with the projector lens to make it 3D is still on, leads to it being so dark it's difficult to see. At one point I was all "Good, Michael Fassbender has his short off so I can at least tell which one he is!"

Re: DVDs in the sale bin.

[jenna_thorn]

Ah yes, modern cinematography, where the soundtrack cues you as to whether the shadow on a dark screen are in combat or having a romantic moment.

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

I would LOVE to watch it, but it's not on Netflix, and costs a ridiculous amount. (My son took me to Assassin's Creed yesterday as my Christmas present. He loved it.)

[telophase.livejournal.com]

I will mail you our copy if you send it back when done! :D It should be seen by more people! If you're up for it, email me an address I can send it to at telophase14 (at) gmail (dot) com and I will get it out sometime in the next few days. :)

I bought it for our annual Bad Movie Showing at a party friends show and it ended up being--while not good--an excellent experience, if you get my meaning.

(And all you really need to know about Assassin's Creed to watch it is that the fight choreographer and the costume designer obviously played the game.)

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

I don't dare borrow anything in this house of chaos. Maybe it'll show up on Netflix! But thanks for offering.

[viridian5.livejournal.com]

When I saw the commercials, I wondered how they got that out of the Assassin's Creed series.

[telophase.livejournal.com]

"You know what I find intriguing about this game? The relationship between the protagonist and his father! Let's make an art-house flick of it!" Sigh.