THIS IS ENTIRELY buymeaclue'S FAULT

[telophase]

Original post here, in which we are pointed to this beauty, Lord of Legends

From Publishers Weekly
Forced to take the shape of a man, a unicorn struggles to survive in late Victorian England in this involving but overwrought paranormal romance. American heiress Mariah Marron weds the earl of Donnington after a brief courtship. Unaware that her heritage is part supernatural, she has no idea the earl selected her for nefarious magical purposes. She soon discovers a half-naked man locked in a small cell on the earl's estate and befriends him, naming him Ash and helping him learn to speak. Ash falls in love with Mariah, but as he regains his memories of being unicorn king Arion, he decides to betray her in order to return to his magical land. The story unfolds with twist after twist until the convoluted climax descends sharply into absurd melodrama. (Apr.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Product Description
He is Arion, King of the Unicorns. Powerful, seductive, he could possess any female he desired—until now. He is condemned to live as a man, and it is only the enchanting Lady Mariah Donnington's innocence that can release him from his curse.

Abandoned on her wedding night, frightened of her hidden, otherworldly heritage, Mariah is instinctively drawn to the mysterious stranger she discovers imprisoned on her husband's estate. But as the secret of Arion's magical identity unfolds, their friendship burns into a passion that cannot, must not, be consummated. For to do so would destroy them both….

And in the comments, we are pointed to this, My Hero: A Wild Boy's Tale: A Novel:

Review
A brilliant fusion of William Burroughs and H.P. Lovecraft set in the post-apocalyptic wilderness of Mad Max... -- Ashé Journal

My Hero is a Jungian tale that combines mythology, science fiction, and eroticism to create a brilliant hybrid unlike anything I've read before. Original, exciting, and transcendent. A bloody great read! Very unique. --Douglas Ferguson author of The Forgotten Ones

Product Description
Set in a post-apocalyptic America, Tristram Burden s novel tells the story of 17 year old Joshua My Hero. The youth lives out a humdrum existence, struggling to find truth and sense in a Christian-fundamentalist trailer park. But his psychic powers and sexual tastes leave him an outsider of his community, and forced to commit patricide in a final and desperate struggle for self-defence against his father's rage, Joshua escapes into a wasted planet, armed only with an oracular penis, the patronage of an ancient earth spirit sent to rid the planet of all of its ills, and the wisdom of the Tao Teh Ching...

Right! Who's going to throw themselves on the grenade and read them so we don't have to?




I never, ever thought I would ever have a tag like this.

Comments

[lnhammer]

It's not *just* an oracular penis -- it's an oracular penis, an ancient earth spirit, *and* the Tao Teh Ching. Together, they fight crime!

---L.

Proceed with much caution...however,

[cynthia1960]

I do not have enough spare brain cells available to endanger my sentience by reading this.

[movingfinger.livejournal.com]

AAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGGGGGH

[telophase.livejournal.com]

YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE IT

[movingfinger.livejournal.com]

More prosaically and pragmatically, of course, this means that at some point there will have to be a venom cock-oracular penis facedown. Or something-down.

[telophase.livejournal.com]

I would give one million internet dollars to anyone who read them both and compared.

[vom-marlowe.livejournal.com]

I need to know: Does the unicorn *sparkle*?

And I had a terrible, horrible awful fear that the oracular penis belonged to the unicorn, which is a thought which will haunt me to the end of my days. I blame you.

[telophase.livejournal.com]

MY JOB HERE IS DONE

[frostedelves.livejournal.com]

And I had a terrible, horrible awful fear that the oracular penis belonged to the unicorn

That thought is strangely, awfully compelling to try to draw.

[sleary.livejournal.com]

If it doesn't sparkle now, it will when she gets done with it. She sounds too stupid to live, so I'm guessing she possesses a glittery hooha (http://www.arghink.com/2007/04/09/the-glittery-hooha-an-analysis/).

[pseudo_tsuga.livejournal.com]

The sheer creativity of people never ceases to amaze me. An orcular penis? How does that even work? Is it attached to someone?

[tammylee.livejournal.com]

AHAH I THOUGHT IT SOUNDED AWESOME!
*might have to order*

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

I'll read the unicorn dude one if someone else pays for it. But no amount of money could get me to read the oracular penis.

[telophase.livejournal.com]

You realize the only reason I am hesitating is that if I buy it from Amazon with the $2.13 I have left in gift certificate money and send it to you is that Amazon will continually recommend me hideous paranormal romance FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

[sleary.livejournal.com]

Someone has to step up and read that damned thing. I am dying to know whether the penis actually belongs to the protagonist, and how it communicates its otherworldly knowledge. Does it speak? Telepathically? Does it sit up and lean in the direction it wants its owner to go? Oh, wait, they all do that, don't they? Does it perform an interpretive dance?

I can't bring myself to pay money to answer these burning questions, though.

[the-z.livejournal.com]

A unicorn, Haggard! A U-NICORN!

Oracular penis = third eye, right?

...does he have crystal balls?

[telophase.livejournal.com]

Ba-dump bump CHING! XD

[chisotahn]

Okay, I got up to "oracular penis" and just lost it, with enough force of splorfle to bring my friend in from the next room with a worried expression.

WOW.

(Why don't I have an icon of Mara? This would be the perfect comment for it.)

[weirdquark]

I don't know. After the manga where mystical accidents give boys the talking penis of their crush, I don't really feel making the penis oracular adds much weirdness.

[mercwriter.livejournal.com]

. . .

I'm not sure I have words.

Sadly, if someone gave me a copy of either to read, I would, because I'm just cruel to my brain that way. (Not like I didn't already break it on "oracular penis"...)

[ebony14.livejournal.com]

I have this terrible feeling that these are going to end up in my bag the next time I'm in the bookstore, and I will have NO IDEA how they got there.

I wonder if the prophetic wang in question has anything in common with the last oracular penis that hit the news (http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0060115/).

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

Oracular Penis vs. Venom Cock!

It's a deathmatch!

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

Dude, Venom Cock hands-down. The Oracular Penis is just going to stand there saying, "You're doomed! Tomorrow the Dow will be down 236 points! The Red Sox will win the world series!" Meanwhile, the Venom Cock will be ejaculating poison all over it.

PS. This calls for the ejaculating Casper icon!

[lady-ganesh.livejournal.com]

...why do I ever worry about not getting published?

[kansan-entrails.livejournal.com]

Because it's harder to get good stuff published than it is for weird ass shit to get published. Also thanks to Twitlight there's a market for this kind of thing now.

Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick!

[able-spacer.livejournal.com]

People are being paid to write badfic.

I feel so Ordinary and Mundane now; I'm just writing science fiction with a bit of romance thrown in.

:: slinks off in search of a stiff drink ::

[ymfaery]

...

I've read one or two of Krinard's books before. I seriously don't remember them, but I vaguely remember werewolves. >.>a