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Death Trance Part Four
And now we commence Part the Fourth of the immortal Death Trance. You should all go out and buy this movie now or at the very least put it in your Netflix queue. The point at which the motorcycle showed up was the point at which I knew I HAVE TO OWN THIS MOVIE and loaded Amazon.com. My copy should arrive tomorrow. :D I look forward to the "Making of Death Trance" featurette in the extras.
On to the recap...
The previous segment dealt almost entirely with Grave. What, may you ask, has happened to Kuwabara? And, more importantly, his hair? Let's find out.
The scene opens upon a Mysterious Wood of Doom. Note the discreet hanging body.
There are FACES in the TREE TRUNKS. CRYING BLOODY SAP.
After losing the coffin, Kuwabara has continued his journey, and happens upon this Mysterious Wood of Doom, located in the middle of the badly-CGed oasis, before anyone else traveling in this direction has gotten there. He is, naturally, nervous.
Well, actually, before anyone but the small adorable EVIL child. And her pet human spiders.
Kuwabara is confused.
Meanwhile, Captain Exposition is striding purposefully toward the badly-CGed oasis when he notes Yuri's NOT SYMBOLIC AT ALL sword thrust into the sand.
Back to the Mysterious Wood of Doom, where we see that, unfortunately, Kuwabara has fallen victim to the human spiders.
Grave staggers into the scene, leaving us to ponder the order of events that would lead Kuwabara to arrive before he does without noticing, say, the coffin as he passed it. Or how Kuwabara even knew where to go.
And commences spider-fu.
Alas! Grave's spider-fu fails and he is trapped! The two human spiders settle down to feed.
Grave surrenders to their ministrations.
OR DOES HE?
Grave turns the tables and feeds on the spiders!
And performs more spider-fu!
This has the effect of loosening the ties that hold Kuwabara to the tree, and he falls out of it. "Dude. Some help here, please?"
Grave, alas, has the attention span of a ferret on meth...
...and is distracted by something shiny before he can untie Kuwabara.
The shiny thing is his sword, in the possession of the small adorable EVIL child, who is sitting on the coffin.
...surrounded by undead minions. She throws the sword at Grave.
...who picks it up, and with another "...the fuck?" face...
...commences ass-kickage.
This is about the point where I decided that what made a movie more awesome was the writer saying WHAT THIS MOVIE NEEDS IS NINJA ZOMBIES IN NINJA JESTER HATS and the director saying OH HELL YES.
Captain Exposition manfully trudges into the scene, happening uponhis beloved Kuwabara!
And in a touching scene that provides almost the only motivation for any character in this movie whatsoever, we learn that the reason that Kuwabara wants the coffin that he thinks will give a man any wish he makes is so that
HE CAN RESURRECT HIS DEAD DAUGHTER WHOSE DOLL HE ALWAYS CARRIES AROUND!!!
He makes the monk promise to resurrect his daughter if he can, then DIES TRAGICALLY IN HISbeloved's ARMS!
RIGHT. WHO'S GOING TO WRITE ME KUWABARA/CAPTAIN EXPOSITION SLASH?
Meanwhile, nearby, Grave continues with his ass-kickage.
And the small adorable EVIL child producesthe TARDIS a glowing door out of nowhere, and waits expectantly.
Grave is starting to realize the drawbacks of fighting undead ninja zombies: they keep coming back. He decides he's going to have to deploy his weapon after all ... the one he hasn't drawn all movie long.
DRAWN-OUT MOMENT OF SWORD-RELATED TENSION
CAN YOU BEAR IT?
IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?
"All right you primitive screwheads, listen up! See this?! This... is my BOOMSTICK!"
YES! The ninja zombies, which previously had been completely resistant to ass-kickage prove to be thoroughly pwned by bullets!
Post-boomsticking, Grave stands and catches his breath...
...as the small adorable EVIL child sparkles at him.
Captain Exposition manages to recover from his grief just in time...
...to see Grave, the coffin, and the small adorable EVIL child vanish into the portal!
He beats on it in an actual show of emotion other than mild confusion!
And then Yuri, having sensibly waited until other people took care of the human spiders and ninja zombies in jester hats, appears!
She takes over Captain Exposition's job briefly, telling him that the Goddess of Destruction periodically calls The One to her, and that alas, this time it is not her. There is a way to get in the door, however! She holds out her own sword, which we now see is also a penis-sword! And tells Captain Exposition to take a nice, firm, comforting, totally manly grip on the hilt...
...which opens the door and leads us into the climactic scene!
...Which seems like an opportune time to break off. Coming soon to an LJ near you: DEATH TRANCE PART THE FIFTH! SOMETIMES A CIGAR IS REALLY A THROBBING PENIS-SHAPED SWORD
On to the recap...
The previous segment dealt almost entirely with Grave. What, may you ask, has happened to Kuwabara? And, more importantly, his hair? Let's find out.
The scene opens upon a Mysterious Wood of Doom. Note the discreet hanging body.
There are FACES in the TREE TRUNKS. CRYING BLOODY SAP.
After losing the coffin, Kuwabara has continued his journey, and happens upon this Mysterious Wood of Doom, located in the middle of the badly-CGed oasis, before anyone else traveling in this direction has gotten there. He is, naturally, nervous.
Well, actually, before anyone but the small adorable EVIL child. And her pet human spiders.
Kuwabara is confused.
Meanwhile, Captain Exposition is striding purposefully toward the badly-CGed oasis when he notes Yuri's NOT SYMBOLIC AT ALL sword thrust into the sand.
Back to the Mysterious Wood of Doom, where we see that, unfortunately, Kuwabara has fallen victim to the human spiders.
Grave staggers into the scene, leaving us to ponder the order of events that would lead Kuwabara to arrive before he does without noticing, say, the coffin as he passed it. Or how Kuwabara even knew where to go.
And commences spider-fu.
Alas! Grave's spider-fu fails and he is trapped! The two human spiders settle down to feed.
Grave surrenders to their ministrations.
OR DOES HE?
Grave turns the tables and feeds on the spiders!
And performs more spider-fu!
This has the effect of loosening the ties that hold Kuwabara to the tree, and he falls out of it. "Dude. Some help here, please?"
Grave, alas, has the attention span of a ferret on meth...
...and is distracted by something shiny before he can untie Kuwabara.
The shiny thing is his sword, in the possession of the small adorable EVIL child, who is sitting on the coffin.
...surrounded by undead minions. She throws the sword at Grave.
...who picks it up, and with another "...the fuck?" face...
...commences ass-kickage.
This is about the point where I decided that what made a movie more awesome was the writer saying WHAT THIS MOVIE NEEDS IS NINJA ZOMBIES IN NINJA JESTER HATS and the director saying OH HELL YES.
Captain Exposition manfully trudges into the scene, happening upon
And in a touching scene that provides almost the only motivation for any character in this movie whatsoever, we learn that the reason that Kuwabara wants the coffin that he thinks will give a man any wish he makes is so that
HE CAN RESURRECT HIS DEAD DAUGHTER WHOSE DOLL HE ALWAYS CARRIES AROUND!!!
He makes the monk promise to resurrect his daughter if he can, then DIES TRAGICALLY IN HIS
Meanwhile, nearby, Grave continues with his ass-kickage.
And the small adorable EVIL child produces
Grave is starting to realize the drawbacks of fighting undead ninja zombies: they keep coming back. He decides he's going to have to deploy his weapon after all ... the one he hasn't drawn all movie long.
DRAWN-OUT MOMENT OF SWORD-RELATED TENSION
CAN YOU BEAR IT?
IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?
"All right you primitive screwheads, listen up! See this?! This... is my BOOMSTICK!"
YES! The ninja zombies, which previously had been completely resistant to ass-kickage prove to be thoroughly pwned by bullets!
Post-boomsticking, Grave stands and catches his breath...
...as the small adorable EVIL child sparkles at him.
Captain Exposition manages to recover from his grief just in time...
...to see Grave, the coffin, and the small adorable EVIL child vanish into the portal!
He beats on it in an actual show of emotion other than mild confusion!
And then Yuri, having sensibly waited until other people took care of the human spiders and ninja zombies in jester hats, appears!
She takes over Captain Exposition's job briefly, telling him that the Goddess of Destruction periodically calls The One to her, and that alas, this time it is not her. There is a way to get in the door, however! She holds out her own sword, which we now see is also a penis-sword! And tells Captain Exposition to take a nice, firm, comforting, totally manly grip on the hilt...
...which opens the door and leads us into the climactic scene!
...Which seems like an opportune time to break off. Coming soon to an LJ near you: DEATH TRANCE PART THE FIFTH! SOMETIMES A CIGAR IS REALLY A THROBBING PENIS-SHAPED SWORD