October apppearances

Sep. 25th, 2017 04:36 pm
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Posted by James

I will be making a couple appearances this October in the NJ/PA area.   OCT 15 Sunday – RETROCON, OAKS PA Signing 12pm-3pm. Q&A 3:15om-4pm.   OCT 28 Saturday – GAMEACON, ATLANTIC CITY NJ 1pm-4pm Use coupon code “NERD”  


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Posted by Patrick Lucas Austin

Avid gamers are most likely using the digital marketplace and multiplayer matchmaking app Steam to play their games library on the big screen, even if it’s just the battle royale game PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds. But Steam and its TV-friendly streaming console Steam Link (favored by users who aren’t playing on their…

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Die NEO-Doppelfolge 141/142

Sep. 25th, 2017 07:00 am
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Posted by info@perry-rhodan.net (PERRY RHODAN-Redaktion)

Bekanntlich gibt es PERRY RHODAN NEO nicht nur in gedruckter Form und als E-Book, sondern ebenso als Hörbuch – im Download und in Form von MP3-CDs. Einmal im Monat veröffentlicht Eins A Medien eine NEO-Doppelfolge im »Digipak«, die jeweils aus zwei MP3-CDs besteht.
Die CD mit der Doppelnummer 141/142 enthält die Romane »Der Faktor Rhodan« von Michael Marcus Thurner und »Hort der Flüsternden Haut« von Rainer Schorm, eingesprochen von Hanno Dinger und Axel Gottschick. Beide Hörbücher haben eine Laufzeit von über sechs Stunden.
Der Roman »Der Faktor Rhodan« spielt im Jahr 2051: In höchster Not gelingt es Perry Rhodan und seinen Gefährten, eine Invasion des Sonnensystems abzuwehren. Der Wiederaufbau der von Zerstörung und Siechtum heimgesuchten Erde kann beginnen; endlich arbeiten alle Menschen zusammen.
Doch Perry Rhodan hat kaum Zeit, sich um die zahllosen Schwierigkeiten auf der Erde zu kümmern. Unvermittelt wird er von einer unbekannten Macht entführt. Vor den Augen seiner Freunde verschwindet er. Wer steckt hinter dieser Tat? Was sind die Absichten des Drahtziehers im Dunkel?
Erste Antworten erhofft sich Rhodan, als er sich allein auf einem fremdem Planeten wiederfindet – inmitten eines bevorstehenden Atomkriegs. Auf einer Welt am Abgrund erweist er sich als der Faktor Rhodan ...
In »Hort der Flüsternden Haut« werden Tuire Sitareh, Perry Rhodan und Atlan von einer unbekannten Macht entführt. Sitareh wird allein auf eine ferne Welt versetzt. Kaum ist er erwacht, muss er sich räuberischen Angreifern und einer feindlichen Umwelt erwehren.
Sitareh muss herausfinden, wer für seine Entführung verantwortlich ist und mit welcher Absicht dies geschah. Schnell entdeckt er, dass nur an einem Ort die Möglichkeit für eine Heimkehr besteht – am geheimnisumwitterten Hort der Flüsternden Haut ...
Das Digipak mit zwei MP3-CDs ist zum Preis von 24,80 Euro ab sofort überall im Buchhandel (978-3-95795-102-1) und im PERRY RHODAN-OnlineShop erhältlich. Außerdem kann es auf der Website von Eins A Medien bestellt werden – dort gibt es die NEO-Reihe auch im günstigen CD-Abonnement.
Darüber hinaus bietet Eins A Medien die PERRY RHODAN NEO-Hörbücher nach wie vor im Download (einzeln und Abo) an.

Ein Meister in seiner Maske

Sep. 25th, 2017 07:00 am
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Posted by info@perry-rhodan.net (PERRY RHODAN-Redaktion)

Die Meister der Insel – keiner weiß genau, wer sich hinter dieser Bezeichnung verbirgt. Offenbar sind sie die Herrscher über die Galaxis Andromeda. Auch in PERRY RHODAN NEO wird diese Zuschreibung übernommen, die in der klassischen PERRY RHODAN-Serie schon in den 60er-Jahren eine wichtige Rolle spielte.
In welchem Zusammenhang die mysteriösen Meister mit der Erde und ihren Bewohnern stehen, ist Perry Rhodan und seinen Gefährten bislang nicht bekannt. Aber dass das Verschwinden von Milliarden Menschen mit Andromeda zu tun hat, scheint sicher zu sein – allein deshalb schon operiert Rhodan mit seinem Raumschiff MAGELLAN in der fernen Galaxis.
Das ist der Ausgangspunkt für die aktuelle Handlungsstaffel »Die zweite Insel«, die von Rüdiger Schäfer und Rainer Schorm konzipiert worden ist. In bisher neun Romanen haben die Leser mehr über Andromeda und die dortigen Machtverhältnisse erfahren – mit dem anstehenden Band lässt Schorm die Leser stärker ins Zentrum der Galaxis schauen.
Sein »Der falsche Meister« liefert unterschiedliche Blicke auf das Reich der Thetiser und zeigt darüber hinaus, wie trickreich Perry Rhodan vorgehen kann. Der Roman trägt die Bandnummer 159, ist der neunte Band der Staffel und erscheint  am 20. Oktober 2017.
»Der falsche Meister« kann als gedrucktes Taschenbuch im Zeitschriftenhandel gekauft werden ebenso als E-Book bei unterschiedlichsten Portalen sowie als Hörbuch im Download bei Eins A Medien. Weitere Informationen folgen.

Herrenmenschen für den Kaiser

Sep. 22nd, 2017 08:42 am
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Posted by info@perry-rhodan.net (PERRY RHODAN-Redaktion)

Dass der PERRY RHODAN-Autor Wim Vandemaan unter seinem bürgerlichen Namen Hartmut Kasper immer wieder an Filmprojekten mitarbeitet, dürfte mittlerweile bekannt sein. Science-Fiction-Leser haben vor allem den Film »Unser Mann im All« im Gedächtnis, der sich in einer eineinhalbstündigen Dokumentation dem Phänomen PERRY RHODAN annahm.
Nun kommt ein historisches Thema ins Fernsehen: Der Sender Arte zeigt »Herrenmenschen für den Kaiser – ›Ober Ost‹, die verlorene Kolonie« im Fernsehen. Das Drehbuch stammt von Hartmut Kasper alias Wim Vandemaan, Regie führten Jonas Niewianda und André Schäfer, die auch beim PERRY RHODAN-Film mitwirkten.
Zum Inhalt zitieren wir die Presseinformation:
»Der Erste Weltkrieg ist auch heute noch im öffentlichen Bewusstsein, und er ist vor allem optisch präsent: Grabenkämpfe, Stacheldraht, Stellungskrieg, der Einsatz von Maschinengewehren, Giftgas, Tanks. Auf der einen Seite die Deutschen, auf der anderen Franzosen und Briten, später die Amerikaner. So sah der Krieg aus – an der Westfront.
Weniger bekannt ist der gleichzeitige Krieg im Osten: Hier wurden Feldschlachten gegen die Armeen des russischen Zaren geschlagen; die deutsche Streitkraft siegte und eroberte Land, viel Land. Und dieses Land sollte nicht nur ausgebeutet, sondern umprogrammiert werden: zu einem Satellitenstaat des Kaiserreichs, zu einer deutschen Kolonie mitten in Europa.
Das Kriegsland im Osten, das sogenannte Ober Ost, wurde gewissermaßen erfunden und gemanagt von Erich Ludendorff, also jenem Militär, der im Laufe des Ersten Weltkriegs zu einer derartigen Machtfülle gelangte, dass man ihn als Diktator des Deutschen Reichs bezeichnen kann.
Ludendorff ließ Eisenbahnen und Brücken bauen, Bevölkerung und Viehbestände erfassen, verwalten, ausbeuten. Aus dem besetzten Gebiet sollte ein produktiver Staat werden, der vollständig unter militärischer Herrschaft stand, ein Staat, der nicht zuletzt als Aufmarschgebiet dienen sollte für den schon ins Auge gefassten kommenden Krieg.
Ober Ost, die Militärutopie Erich Ludendorffs, ist heute weitgehend vergessen. Dabei ist der weitere Verlauf der deutschen Geschichte bis hin zum Zweiten Weltkrieg ohne diese Episode kaum zu verstehen. Denn gewissermaßen bereitet Ober Ost den Boden für die mörderischen Eroberungs- und Umvolkungspläne, die der Nationalsozialismus in Osteuropa umsetzen wollte.«
Gezeigt wird der Film am Dienstag, 26. September 2017, um 22.05 Uhr auf Arte.

Homage and Laura Lippman's Wilde Lake

Sep. 25th, 2017 11:52 am
iknowcommawrite: (Default)
[personal profile] iknowcommawrite
I have a complicated relationship with Laura Lippman's work where I tend to find it layered and thoughtful but just a little too bloodless and just a little too cynical; also, she has a book that repeatedly describes a character of exactly my weight as "hulking," and I am petty enough to be bothered by this.

Wilde Lake has not resolved my feelings in one direction or the other. It's a deep, compellingly fractal look at memory and information that is damaged by the fact that none of the characters seem deeply involved, at any time, with anything, and that it is utterly insistent on letting you know that it's a To Kill a Mockingbird homage.

Some of the latter is nicely done, like the beginning which looks at the circumstances in which Luisa's brother Jem--I mean, AJ--got his arm broken--but much of it is clumsily inserted (the obligatory scene where Luisa insults a lower-class boy's table manners and is reprimanded for it) and some of it is even cringe-inducing (the book is careful not to specify the Brants' housekeeper, "Teensy," as black, but it suggests it very strongly and her characterization is stuck in the fifties). Literary homages of this kind, I think, should remind us that there is an essential grandeur to the business of being human. We ought to be reminded, every now and then, that the petty jostling for power in Congress, or within a rural family, can be Shakespearean; that the social norms of who should text whom, and when, can be just as mannered as any exchange between Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy. But To Kill a Mockingbird is too close in history to work on those terms, and the only neat effect you get from Lippman using it so much is the resonance with the controversy of Go Set a Watchman--Wilde Lake tries to be both novels, dealing with the child's eye view of complications that only reveal more faults in adulthood, and that is slightly cool. But it still seems like borrowed significance that asks the reader to care about Luisa and her family not because of the importance Lippman has invested in them but because we all know Scout and Atticus; it's fanfic with a couple of degrees of separation, neither fish nor fowl, and it would be better if it weren't.

And maybe if it weren't, the novel would have to work a little harder to develop its characters and make their motivations and moralities distinct. As it is, everyone here is sort of low-grade unpleasant while being firmly convinced of their own superiority, which makes for a monotonous emotional palette. Luisa Brant praises her brother for having a midlife crisis that was actually original, for example, but since that crisis involved quitting his job, growing a ponytail, and divorcing his wife for a younger yoga instructor, I'm at a loss as to which part of this, exactly, is supposed to surprise me. (Then again, her brother also wrote an editorial in high school that had all the depth of an average college admissions essay yet somehow provoked a New York publisher to contact him about writing a memoir before he even turned eighteen, so maybe her brother was a veela.) That conviction of superiority, which cannot be fully supported, is the heart of the novel, and the point of it, to be fair, but it's insufficiently sold. I never bought that the Brants were exceptional, or even very charismatic or likable, so there was no fall from grace or catharsis in the revelation that they weren't.

And that revelation needs to hit, because Luisa's eventual epiphany--that we are all people of our time--is too obvious to carry much weight if there isn't a personal element.

Despite that, there are cool things here, even if all of them are best appreciated intellectually rather than emotionally. Lippman is very smart about the way both personal histories and histories of record are often made out of lies and omissions, and very attentive to the way one generation's virtues can be the next's horrified discoveries. That does eventually make the novel into something compelling, and--probably owing somewhat to Lippman's journalistic background, and points to her for that--something far more reminiscent of true crime than of literary suspense. It feels like unearthing history.

The ultimate result is a novel that is frustrating in its unevenness--complex, but far too lukewarm for greatness.
lordultimus: (Default)
[personal profile] lordultimus posting in [community profile] scans_daily
source: comicbook.com

Marvel has been teasing a character that has been absent for some time returning for Marvel's Legacy one-shot. Now Marvel is revealing who it is.

Read more... )

Could You Win an OTW Trivia Contest?

Sep. 25th, 2017 11:43 am
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OTW 10th anniversary history

You just might, especially if you have good search-fu!

This is how it will work:

  1. Answer the five questions we have listed below. Only one entry per person
  2. Submit those answers to our Communications Committee. (Put "OTW Trivia" in the Subject line)
  3. Let us know what name or pseudonym you'd prefer we use when we announce the winners.
  4. We can't guarantee you'll receive a particular prize, but you can include your top 3 choices in order of preference.

In 72 hours we will be reviewing all the submissions and randomly selecting 10 winners from all the correct responses we receive. If we do not receive enough correct responses to qualify for the prizes we will include entries with 4 correct answers, or 3 correct answers, etc. until we have 21 winners.

Winners will be notified by email and have 72 hours to provide us with a mailing address for us to send their prize to. We will ship internationally, so everyone can participate. But if we do not hear back from you within that 3 day time frame we will be randomly choosing another winner in your place. (Please check your spam folders!)

What are the prizes?

For our 10th anniversary we will have 10 prizes. Four of these prizes were generously donated to us for this event by author Tamora Pierce! These are autographed hardback copies of her Song of the Lioness series. You will be able to choose from Alanna: The First Adventure, In the Hand of the Goddess, The Woman Who Rides Like a Man, or Lioness Rampant.

In addition we have:

  1. A Season 3 DVD set of Supernatural autographed by Ghostfacers, Travis Wester and A.J. Buckley (NTSC format)
  2. An OTW logo pen
  3. A copy of the book The First 28 Years of Monty Python
  4. A copy of the book Buffy the Vampire Slayer Watcher's Guide Volume 1
  5. 2 OTW stickers and a temporary tattoo for each of our projects
  6. A large totebag advertising the services of wizard detective, Harry Dresden (in black, 51 by 40 centimeters/20 inches by 16 inches)

But there's more! Since we made our anniversary announcement the folks at First Second Books got in touch with us and offered an additional 11 prizes. These are graphic novels and they will ship them directly to the winners. The titles are:

  1. Castle in the Stars, by Alex Alice
  2. Spill Zone, by Scott Westerfeld and Alex Puvilland
  3. Cast No Shadow, by Nick Tapalansky and Anissa Espinosa
  4. Compass South, by Hope Larson and Rebecca Mock
  5. Pashmina, by Nidhi Chanani
  6. Foiled, by Jane Yolen and Mike Cavallaro
  7. Shattered Warrior, by Sharon Shinn and Molly Ostertag
  8. Tetris, by Box Brown
  9. Spinning, by Tillie Walden
  10. Exquisite Corpse, by Penelope Bagieu
  11. The Prince and the Dressmaker, by Jen Wang

Ready to play? Here are your questions:

  1. In 2014 Naomi Novik testified for the OTW before who (specifically) about why fair use was important to fans?
  2. So far, among the archives Open Doors has imported into the AO3 have been two specifically for non-English fanworks. What are they called?
  3. What challenge did Fanlore issue to visitors and users in March 2011?
  4. On what day in 2009 was the first AO3 News post made that shared stats with graphs about the site's growth?
  5. In what issue of Transformative Works and Cultures did an article appear about the history of the anime music video in Western fandom, and who was the author?

This post will be updated when the contest is closed, and we'll announce the winners. Good luck!


The Organization for Transformative Works is the non-profit parent organization of multiple projects including Archive of Our Own, Fanlore, Open Doors, Transformative Works and Cultures, and OTW Legal Advocacy. We are a fan run, entirely donor-supported organization staffed by volunteers. Find out more about us on our website.

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Posted by Claire Lower on Skillet, shared by Claire Lower to Lifehacker

Greetings, and welcome to Will It Casserole?, Retro Week’s answer to Will It Sous Vide? Basically, instead of making whatever you want me to with my immersion circulator, I’m going to re-imagine whatever you want me to make into a casserole.

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paynesgrey: Lilith and Eve (lilitheve)
[personal profile] paynesgrey posting in [community profile] girlgay
Title: The Sinner and the Serpent (10 works so far)
Author: HKrowe/Paynesgrey
Summary: Lilith was once Adam's first wife, but history has a way of forgetting her. What history also forgot, is her obsession with Adam's second wife, and how her lust drove Eve to commit her biggest sin. A Collection of poems and short stories.
Pairings: Lilith/Eve
Main Characters: Eve, Lilith, God, Adam
Rating: Adult
Warnings: adult themes for sex, violence, heresy
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: I do not own the Goddess Lilith, but I love to write about her for sure.
Author's Notes: This is an ongoing serialization of the relationship between Lilith and Eve from the Judeo-Christian Bible, but focused as an original myth/fairytale.

Links: @AO3 | @wattpad

levkonoe: (украина)
[personal profile] levkonoe

24 сентября российско-оккупационные группировки не прекращали обстрел позиций сил АТО во всех направлениях,  двух украинских воинов ранили

Сотрудники СБУ в Волновахском районе Донецкой области ликвидировали сеть информаторов так называемой "ДНР". Информаторы собирали данные о перемещении, дислокации военной техники и подразделений сил антитеррористической операции вблизи линии разграничения и по телефону передавали информацию террористам.

Порошенко подчеркнул необходимость прекращения поставок оружия и военных России на Донбасс .  Турчинов встретился с делегацией парламента Канады. По словам Турчинова, на Донбассе ежедневно наблюдается увеличение количества оружия и боеприпасов, которые завозятся российскими войсками.

Дайджест прошедшей недели  - Неделя прошла под знаком сокрушительных побед Украины на внешнем фронте и болезненные пробуксовки на фронте реформ

Украина и мир

Украина присоединилась к призыву  отстранить Россию от Олимпиады-2018. Это заявление уже поддержали руководители антидопинговых организаций таких стран, как Австрия, Австралия, Канада, Дания, Финляндия, Франция, Германия, Ирландия, Япония, Нидерланды, Новая Зеландия, Норвегия, Сингапур, Швеция, Великобритания и США, а также Институт национальных антидопинговых организаций.

Во время масштабной кибератаки  не пострадали сети структур, которые прислушивались к соответствующим рекомендациям Департамента по кибербезопасности

Как украинские (читай - антиукраинские) СМИ освещают визит Порошенко в США и Канаду
Новость ведь явно из тех, которая является важной и знаковой для Украины.  Но информация о встрече подается мелким текстом в конце параграфа. Можно было бы предположить, что это связано с скептическим отношением к Трампу у редакторов. Но есть проверочный вопрос. Представим себе, что Трамп во время встречи сказал нечто прямо противоположное. Например что реформы в Украине провалены. Как вы думаете, каким кеглем была бы набрана эта новость на новостных сайтах?

Як в Україні ничегониделаеца. Частина 115 (огляд)

«Зачем украинцам безвизовый режим с Европой, если у них всё равно нет денег?» За первые три месяца действия безвизового режима, с 11 июля по состоянию на 11 сентября 2017 года,страны Евросоюза посетили почти 6 млн граждан Украины

Украина побила 10-летний рекорд по экспорту сливы. Больше всего украинских слив купил ЕС.  Отечественная слива пользуется устойчивым спросом как в свежем виде, так и для переработки.

Экспорт молочных продуктов из Украины в январе-июне 2017 составил $ 117 млн, что на 76,6% больше, чем в аналогичном периоде прошлого года

Ну и опять прекрасное - киевляне с голоду гложут кусты и траву. А киевские пенсионеры дерутся с белками за орехи!  (видно, у голубей уже весь корм отняли и голубей съели).  В то время как единственная беда граждан РФ - это излишнее потребление колбасы и пирожных.
Хотя в Украине еще не так плохо, как в США, где голодные едят снег и крыс

Главное не забыть, что фошызды в Украине, а русские спасают мир от фашизма. И все логично. 
 

В Харьковский госпиталь срочно нужны средства гигиены

Stigmatization of dialects

Sep. 25th, 2017 03:03 pm
[syndicated profile] languagelog_feed

Posted by Victor Mair

[This is a guest post by Krista Ryu]

I was reading the book, Language Change in East Asia, and one of the articles, "Dialects versus the Standard Language in Japan," talked about the standardization of Japanese and its consequence on the many "hougen” (方言) of Japan. I thought it was very interesting and related to what we talked about in class regarding the various Chinese languages (topolects).

While there was no real designated common language in Japan, the "variety based on the dialect of the upper-middle class inhabitants of Tokyo" was functioning as the de facto common language from approximately the 17th century (pg 7). Increased mobility of people with the lift of travel ban and abolition of shogunate domains, as well as the establishment of universal education in the late 1800s, allowed the spread of this common language across the country (pg 8). However, only after formal approval from the Japanese Ministry of Education in the early 1900s, an official standard form of Japanese, or "hyojungo” (標準語), was established.

What is interesting is how the creation of this "standard" form of language gives it a certain "halo," while it stigmatizes other local dialects. The author states:

Dialects were characterised as slovenly (kitanai, 汚い), bad , incorrect, and inferior. In extreme cases, sensitivity on the part of non-standard dialect speakers was manifested in severe linguistic insecurity, for which Shibata Takeshi coined the term hōgen konpurekkusu (dialect complex). People from the provinces who moved to Tokyo were mocked about the way they spoke, resulting in depression and even suicide. (pg 8)

This reminded me of how pyojuneo (표준어, 標準語) in Korean is also considered the "correct way" of speaking on many occasions, forcing speakers of other Korean dialects to change their way of speaking and be ashamed of having an accent. Many times, on TV shows like soap operas, characters that are supposed to be "crude" or "uncultured" will be using some sort of "bangeon" (방언, 方言).

However, the article also does say that recent trends show that people in Japan started seeing dialects as "warm," "authentic," and as part of a unique local culture that needs to be preserved. This is also the case in Korea in recent years. Young generations have started being more proud of using their local dialects. Such phenomena seem closely related to the one seen in China where popular culture using local language has gained favor among young people (e.g., rap music in nonstandard topolects).

 

Could You Win an OTW Trivia Contest?

Sep. 25th, 2017 10:57 am
otw_staff: 'Comms' and 'Claudia' written beneath the OTW Logo (Claudia)
[personal profile] otw_staff posting in [community profile] otw_news
OTW 10th anniversary history

Would you like to find some OTW trivia? If so, we've got prizes for you! How many questions can you answer? https://goo.gl/A8bPvD
[syndicated profile] captainawkward_feed

Posted by JenniferP

Dear Captain,

A few months ago, I met a cute new person and we clicked pretty well from the start. We both had another primary partner at the time and we often talked about those relationships as well as (of course) many other things. After a while, he and his primary broke up, and he was pretty devastated by it. I didn’t mind that he was a bit more “down” when we spent time together, and it seemed only natural to me that he talked about his break-up feelings sometimes. I still don’t mind those things.

Now here comes the difficult part: I feel like this relationship is getting more and more asymmetrical. I’m busy with a demanding job and an active social life (and I like it that way), and he has a lot of time on his hands. He has made it clear that he’d prefer to spend much more time together than we currently do (including weekend trips and the like), while from my perspective we’re close to “too much”. He is way ahead of me with things like “I love you” (WAY too early for me!). I feel like I have to be “on” at all times when we’re together, because he always seems worried that I’m not being enthusiastic enough and something must be wrong and don’t you like me anymore?

He’s had a bunch of personal issues come up lately, and he’s generally pretty unhappy right now. I find it really hard to find a balance between being kind to a person I like, and setting some “don’t make me responsible for your happiness!”-boundaries. I understand anxiety and sadness and insecurity, because I deal with plenty of that in my own life, but it feels like he’s subconsciously weaponizing these things to demand my time and attention. He often says things like:

  • “you’re the only good thing in my life right now”
  • “I feel like everyone is rejecting/leaving me lately”
  • “I’m not doing so well,
    Please view this post in your web browser to complete the quiz.
    , can I come by tonight? I need comfort”
  • “I’m dealing with so much shit that I can’t carry it on my own”
  • “You give me so much strength when we spend time together”

I really like this guy! We have a lot in common and we’ve had fun times together. I would love to see him once or twice a month for many moons to come, and for us to grow closer over time, but right now I feel like I’m under siege and I have to focus on setting boundaries and finding new ways to say “no” all the time and it’s starting to suck the joy out of what (I hope) could be a genuinely fun and rewarding relationship – through good times and bad.

Can I salvage this? How can I communicate with him in a way that does NOT say “I can’t handle people who have negative emotions ever”, but rather “it feels like you’re using your emotions against me and that’s not cool”?

Thank you!

You’re absolutely right to see a litany of “you’re the only good thing in my life” and “everyone else is rejecting me (so you won’t, won’t you?)” statements as being red flags of codependence. I’m not sure the end result of my advice is “fun new relationship is salvaged!” but I think you do have a good opening here to have an honest talk with him about getting help in handling hard life stuff and the reciprocity & seriousness of your relationship.

There are two separate conversations to be had here. I’m not sure in which order, so, use your judgment.

Conversation #1:

[Partner], I can see that you’re really suffering right now as you [grieve the loss of primary relationship][handle this recent raft of difficult life stuff] and I think it’s time to find a trained sounding board – like a therapist or counselor – who can help you process all of this. I pulled some resources & phone numbers together for you if you want to see if any take your insurance or make an appointment.

There is a 99.99% chance he will feel insulted and hurt that you are fobbing him off on other people instead of investing deeply in his emotional well-being yourself. Get ready for some intenso responses involving “You are tired of me and you are going to reject me like everyone else” + 1,000 reasons that therapy/counseling is impossible/useless/too hard for him. This is because:

  • He is primed to feel rejected right now. Everything that isn’t “I love you come over right now and let me comfort you my dear boy” = rejection.
  • You are sending him to other people instead of wanting to deal with it yourself. (That’s okay! Just, acknowledge the truth of that so you don’t fall for the negging when it comes).
  • Mental health system is imperfect and it does take a lot of resources and energy to find a good fit and treatment that can work for you. It’s a hard thing to do when you’re feeling great, never mind when you’re feeling terrible. It’s okay to acknowledge the imperfections in the mental health system and also remind yourself that those difficulties don’t automatically make his emotional well-being your sole problem to deal with on demand in real time.

Follow-up script:

I know this sucks and that’s not what you wanted to hear. You’re right, I am telling you that you need to find other people besides me to lean on, and you’re right, the mental health system can be really difficult/annoying/expensive. But I am not comfortable or prepared to continue being your main sounding board about this stuff. I think your problems are real and serious and that taking them seriously might involve bringing in a trained listening person for a little while. Think of it as giving yourself the gift of a safe space to unload and process all of this that’s 100% focused on you, a little time in your week where you have permission to feel as sad and lost as you need to feel and get all the feelings out so you can start to heal and deal with them.

Get ready for a question like “So I guess I’m not allowed to talk about serious stuff or feelings with you anymore?” (It’s 99.99% coming)

Your script: “That’s not what I’m saying, but I am saying that I don’t want the time we spend together to be all about [Serious Feelings Stuff and Comfort]. I am asking you to find and take advantage of some alternate avenues for support and comfort, so things with us can be a little more balanced than they have been.

Chances are he will not like it. He likes his comfort to come with a side of romance/sexytimes and whyyyyy should he make an effort to find a therapist when he has youuuu? But you’re doing a kind thing by being honest about your limits and directing him toward something that actually has a chance of making him feel better.

Conversation #2 

Sometimes the answer to “I had a terrible day, can I come over and be comforted” is simply “Sorry, not tonight.” And then you put your phone away and focus on what you originally planned to do and he finds a way to self-soothe somehow. If he deals with that well, then maybe it can get better.

That doesn’t mean there is no big conversation to be had. He wants to say “I love you” and plan weekends away and remind you that you’re the only great thing in his life and it’s making you feel crowded and overwhelmed. Time to talk about that. Maybe time to also talk honestly about the way you do polyamory, like the fact that you have someone in your life that you consider to be a primary partner and that there is a hierarchy there maybe not of feelings but in terms of how you allocate time/vacation days/long-term relationship planning, etc. It seems like your relationship really worked when he had that in place too but now things have become unbalanced. This conversation might mean that y’all create something new together over time or it might mean that he and you find out that are unsuited to each other.

The thing where he wants you to be “on” and show that you are sufficiently enthusiastic seems to be the best entry point for this conversation, as in, the next time he makes you you feel that way it’s time to talk about what’s up: “Listen, I like you a lot, and I like you enough that I can make space for you to be sad and grieving right now but that also means that you make space for me being tired or having an off night or for not exactly mirroring your enthusiasm back to you. For example, we’ve only known each other a short time and I’m not ready for ‘I love you’ yet. I would love to get there someday but I need more time. When you say ‘I’m the only good thing in your life’ I know you mean it as a compliment but it feels like pressure. Also time we spend together is already about the maximum time I have to spend with you in a given week. Like of course it would be nice to spend ‘more time’ together, but I can’t do that without breaking other commitments that are pleasurable and important to me. I need you to understand that and focus on enjoying the time we do spend together.

Then, say the thing that’s the elephant in the room: “I feel like you want me to take the place of [Former Primary Partner] in your life, and that’s an okay thing for you to want on an emotional level, I get it, but it’s too much/not the right fit for me/not what I signed up for/making things unbalanced between us. I care about you a lot and I want to find a way to keep this going, so, how do we build something that is enjoyable and true and emotionally supportive without me feeling so pressured and you feeling so rejected?

He’s not going to like hearing this because it’s going to feed into the story he is telling himself about how everyone rejects him. Also there maybe is no balance between “Ideally we’d hang out once or twice a month, forever” and “LOVE ME!!!!!” But if you can’t talk honestly about this stuff and you keep feeling suffocated and overwhelmed, the thing is not going to work. “I’m at the limit of what I have to give you in terms of time and affection” isn’t what any romantic partner really wants to hear, but it’s important information if it’s the truth. The truth can hurt but it can also help us make good decisions about how to take care of ourselves. He may decide that what you have to offer is not enough for him. You may decide that what he wants is just not compatible with what you want and need. That would be painful, but I have to think that it’s better than letting him continue to build this fortress of need around you while you’re looking for the escape hatch.

Reminder for commenters: Spell out the whole word “polyamory” please.


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Posted by Beth Skwarecki

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